When we are new in recovery, we attempt to resolve to give up our addictive behavior. Good intentions are a good place to start, but for most of us promises like this are easier made than kept. The road to recovery is full of speed bumps. It should come as no surprise how many of us slip back into our previous bad habits. I know this full well since my first few years of 12-step work saw countless “day ones” where I had to start my sobriety days over again. I had so many of these episodes where I returned to meetings with my tail stuck between my legs that I earned the nickname of Mr. In And Out Burger.
Some people are fortunate to be able to turn over a new page right away, but many are like I was and need to go through a period of struggling to overcome our deep-seated self-destructive patterns. If this has happened to you, take comfort that you are far from alone in this. It took a lot of repetitive action to develop your dependence on a substance or destructive behavior pattern and it takes a lot of repetitive work to change this. It is easy to become disgusted with yourself for being weak and giving in to your jones. But retreating to the “hair of the dog that bit you” is a one-way ticket to continued despair and hopelessness, especially after you’ve become aware that there is a way out of the pit you’ve fallen into.
Going back to a meeting often is painful, especially to one’s pride. The feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness may be difficult to express openly. If you had a bad external wound, wouldn’t you go to a doctor or hospital to get treated? Internal wounds need the same immediate attention and care or they will fester and cause further problems if left alone. In my case, I learned from my multiple slips that the sooner I resumed working on my sobriety, the easier it was to get back on course.
An important insight I received during my period of struggles to be and stay clean was that each time I began counting my days of sobriety over, I wasn’t starting my recovery days from scratch. I had the benefit of everything I’d learned from previous attempts. Having the foundation of the program guidelines and the vivid stories of fellow recovering addicts greatly supported me in improving my lot. The friendship of others undergoing a similar journey to a better life gave me and continues to give me hope and strength.
Recovery has a way of messing with your bad mindsets and spoiling what little pleasure you get from your addictions. Rather than indulge yourself in an extended period of escape after a slip before you come crawling back for help, it is far better to fess up and get back on the wagon right away. Now that you know better, you can find a way to do better. Each of us at the meetings have been there and try our best to understand your pain and embarrassment without judgment. When you resume your trust in the program and the fellowship you’ll be glad you did.
C 2022 David Cat Cohen
DAVID CAT COHEN In Recovery blogs 