Many of us who have succumbed to out-of-control addictive behavior eventually hit a bottom where the pain we created overruled whatever temporary pleasure we received from our hopelessly repetitive misguided actions. We were faced with a choice whether to return for another dose of the hair of the dog that bit us or seek help. After countless dog day mornings, we hollered uncle and cried out for help. While friends, family, counselors, and therapists may have motivated us to make an effort to turn our lives around, it was the support of our fellow recovering addicts that did the best job in assisting us to do so.
One of the first activities an addict new to 12-step groups is asked to do is to answer 20 yes or no questions that shed light on the characteristics of our destructive life style. Most newcomers answer with more yeses than nos. Once we admit, even half-heartedly, that we have an addiction problem, we are often left wondering how we crossed the invisible line between what was once a pleasurable experience to what became an overwhelming compulsion. Though our substance abuse or misbehavior pattern may have started out innocently enough, it didn’t stay that way.
For most of us, this transition wasn’t obvious. A favorite image we in recovery like to refer to is that of a cucumber and a pickle. For instance, before I became a compulsive gambler, like many people I enjoyed spending a reasonable amount of money for a few hours of light entertainment. In my “cucumber” days, win, lose, or draw, I would leave a gambling establishment happy to have had some fun and excitement. However, the more time I spent gambling, especially in times of loneliness, disappointment or frustration, I’d spend more, stay longer, and deplete my energy, time, and self-esteem. Little by little, my cucumber began to ferment in the brine of my discontent. Before I knew it, it had become a pickle. Regardless of any positive or negative outcome, I was filled with shame and remorse. Despite this, I could hardly wait to return to perpetuate this self-destructive habit over and over again.
As my life continued to sour, my finances and relationships fell by the wayside. Everything in my life was overshadowed by this ever-growing addiction. Even after I attended 12-step meetings in a futile effort to learn to control my reckless impulses, I kept hoping I could revert back to my previous cucumber state. But whenever I attempted to test this control by going out again, I only wound up diving deeper into the barrel and getting even more pickled. Suffice it to say, I had quite a few self-pitying pickle parties before I finally accepted that I needed to give up this activity entirely.
My experiences are similar to those with other addictions including those with alcohol, drug, sex, overeating, and overspending problems. Once any of us crosses the line where we can’t stop ourselves, we need to do exactly that, stop ourselves. Our prior cucumber state is just a memory. Once we lose our virginity, nothing can retrieve it. A moth or butterfly can no longer be a caterpillar. Similarly, we need to accept the maxim of “once a pickle, always a pickle” is sage advice and learn to stay completely away from the barrel and out of the brine.
DAVID CAT COHEN In Recovery blogs 