I was participating in a group discussion about recovery and co-dependency when a woman suggested that recovery is for those who want it, not those who need it. This immediately rang true for me. We’d been exploring how many of us had become preoccupied with trying to improve someone else’s behavior, wishing and hoping they’d change to no avail. I realized that most of my well-intentioned efforts to prod someone to come to grips with their weaknesses and misbehaviors only met with resistance and resentment. Instead of helping them, I tended to achieve the opposite result, driving them into a defensive state and deeper into their bad actions, all the while creating distance between us.
For those of us who have partners, friends, or family members that seem stuck in addictive behavior it is only natural to want to help them. However as well-meaning as we may be, pointing out how much they are hurting and limiting themselves may fall on deaf ears, especially if we get into the habit of harping on their failings. We know they need to change. Somewhere inside, they know they need to change. But the more pressure we exert, the more they rebel. I totally understand. When I was in the throes of my addictions, I acted in the same way.
It is sad to see someone we care for suffer. Sometimes we go to great lengths to try to help them. There are numerous stories of people that attempt to stage an intervention. One can march a disturbed person into a therapist’s office or 12-step meeting and pray that something takes hold. But more often than not, little is accomplished. I’ve seen many newcomers to recovery who’d been coerced to attend but were not ready to do the work on themselves that is necessary to make changes in their lives. No matter how much others try to convince them to improve their situation, only they can change their downward trajectory.
In my experience, less than half of the people that come to their first 12-step meeting return and get involved. It is discouraging to those of us that actively pursue our recovery to see such a failure rate. Seeing that one needs to deal with his or her addictions and character flaws is one thing. Like New Year’s resolutions, most initial efforts go up in smoke. Only when we get to the point that we want to change can actual progress in recovery be made. Although I started attending 12-step groups in the mid-nineties, it wasn’t until 2004 that I made the sincere commitment to clean up my act. It took almost 10 years of drifting in and out of recovery before it truly made a difference in my life.
It is said that one can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’ve found that our time is better spent working on our own character defects than obsessing on anyone else’s. I often encourage others to seek to seek help, but I know that can’t do it for them. It is only when their need to change becomes something they really want that recovery can take place.
(c) 2021 David Cat Cohen
DAVID CAT COHEN In Recovery blogs 