A yardstick that I use to measure my personal growth is to ask myself if I’m smelling today’s roses or yesterday’s garbage. In other words, how much of my life is spent in present tense rather than in the past. While today I’m never as present as much as I’d like, I’m making great strides in doing so.
When I look back, it’s hard for me to believe to what extent I was immersed in my own world and its many problems. I spent much of my time dealing with old fears, fighting old battles, licking old wounds, reliving old dramas, and getting even with old injustices. All this self-preoccupation with the darker sides of my personality (aka garbage) left me little time to enjoy the people, places, and events around me (aka roses). Lost in own stuff left me with little to give to anyone else.
Sad to say, the pity party I was indulging in prevented me from the very relationships and experiences that could lift me out of this morass. What saved me from a seemingly endless parade of inner demons, dragons, and victimhood fantasies was that somewhere in the wasteland in which I was residing there was a voice that kept reminding me that I was worth more than this. More than the negative messages I’d received from my parents, family, teachers, media outlets, religious leaders, law enforcement officials, and society in general. Instead of being envious of others’ happiness and success, I needed to find some degree of accomplishment and satisfaction for myself.
After spending decades struggling to turn this downward spiral around, I came to the realization that I couldn’t do it alone. I needed to reach out for help. So I started reading self-help books, sought personal therapy, attended support groups, learned yoga, and practiced meditation, anything to rise above my dark self-image and low self-esteem. As I was able to share and bond with kindred spirits on a similar quest, I started experiencing fleeting moments of self-worth and inner peace. My continuing efforts in self-improvement stretched these brief moments into longer periods of tranquility and strengthened my resolve to find increasing calm and serenity.
All this hard work has produced a harvest that I continue to reap and enjoy. Each day has become an adventure, whether good, bad, beautiful, or even ugly. I’ve learned to accept life on life’s terms, making the most of the rewards I receive, minimizing doubt and drama, and learning now to face each challenge. By cleaning out my path on a daily basis, my present day garbage is easier to dispense with, and I no longer allow any accumulation to get in the way of enjoying each day to its fullest. I keep reminding myself to stop, smell, and appreciate each rose.
C 2021 David Cat Cohen
DAVID CAT COHEN In Recovery blogs 